


So Much More than Good Enough

by Grayson_179



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 21:06:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5680783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grayson_179/pseuds/Grayson_179
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being with Jane isn't as straightforward as Maura hoped. Can she get to the bottom of Jane's hesitancy so they don't end before they really start?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**So Much More Than Good Enough**

_so just let me try_

_and I will be good to you_

_just let me try_

_and I will be there for you_

_I'll show you why_

_you're so much more than good enough_

Sarah McLachlan, "Good Enough"

Maura knocked on Jane's door at exactly 6:53. She knew it would take eleven minutes to ensure Jane was appropriately dressed, twenty-two minutes to drive to the restaurant, and four minutes to find parking, putting them exactly on time for their 7:30 double-date with Bill and Ted, two accountants she had met at the gym last week. For some reason, Jane found their names funny.

Maura's plan suffered an immediate setback when Jane answered the door in a pair of gray shorts and a Red Sox t-shirt, her hair an unruly mess of curls. Usually Jane was at least most of the way ready, Maura only needing to suggest a different shirt or insist on a particular necklace.

"Jane. Did you forget our plans?" Maura wasn't sure why she asked such an absurd question – she had confirmed their date when they had walked out of work together the day before. She was just so startled to find Jane looking rumpled and – sad? Forlorn? Maura may not have been the best reader of emotions, but something was clearly troubling Jane.

"No, Maura, I didn't forget." Jane leaned heavily against the doorframe.

"Are you sick?" Maura pushed her way inside, then began assessing Jane for signs of illness. "No fever," she noted, removing her hand from Jane's forehead.

As she was about to check Jane's lymph nodes for swelling, the detective pushed her hands away. "Nothing's wrong. I mean, not physically."

"Then what? Is your family okay?" Maura's concern did not diminish.

"Maura, calm down. Everyone's fine. It's just – I can't – " Jane's hand moved restlessly through her hair.

"Jane, you can tell me anything," Maura tried to reassure her.

"Fine." Jane took a deep breath. "I can't do this anymore."

"Do what? I need more details than just a vague pronoun." Maura's brain began filling in possible specifics "this" could mean – eat French food, leave her apartment – had Jane developed agoraphobia?

"This double-dating nonsense. I can't go out with a guy I know I won't see again just to watch you have a good time with a guy I instinctively hate, when all I really want is to be out with you without them."

Maura knew Jane wasn't always enthusiastic about her choices in dating partners and preferred to spend time just the two of them, but she had never been so dramatic about trying to get out of it. "You want to have a girls' night out? Why didn't you just say so?"

"No, Maura, that's not quite it. I want the double date to be a single date. You and me. On a date. Together." Jane took a step backward into the living room, putting her arms around herself protectively.

"Oh." Maura began to process. " _Oh_ ," she whispered, looking up at Jane, putting the pieces together. This was definitely not what she expected when she knocked on the door this evening.

Jane sighed and looked away. "I know it may ruin our friendship to tell you this, but it's ruining me not to tell you. I've tried. So hard. But I can't be around you, I can't have you look at me and touch me like you do and have it not mean to you what it means to me. I thought I could do the noble thing and be satisfied just being your friend, but I can't anymore. It's too hard. If it's too awkward to just be colleagues, I'll transfer out of Homicide –"

Maura's finger on Jane's lips silenced the detective. Not breaking eye contact, she reached into her purse and pulled out her cell phone.

"Bill, hi, it's Maura…No, we're not running late...I'm going to have to cancel our dinner tonight. Something has come up…I'm so sorry…No, I'm afraid I won't be available for a raincheck...I hope you and Ted have a lovely evening."

Maura put her phone in her purse and her purse on the counter, then reached for Jane's hand. Leading them to the couch, she sat down next to the detective.

Jane hung her head. "Maura, you don't have to cancel on my account. Heck, you can go on a date with both of them. I don't want to mess up your evening."

"Jane, I hardly think spending time with you counts as a messed-up evening." Her heart was pounding as she considered how to convey what she needed to say. She decided to keep it simple. "And after what you just said, I'm certain it's going to be a much better evening than I had planned."

Jane's head snapped up, her eyes meeting Maura's. Her expression seemed guarded but hopeful. Maura was getting more practice deciphering emotions than she had anticipated.

Maura took Jane's hands and a deep breath and went on, "All those looks, all those touches – they do mean to me what they mean to you. Although I didn't know it until tonight. You've fought so hard to prove you're not the stereotype people think you are, I thought I never stood a chance. I thought there was no way you could feel about me the way I've felt about you since I met you."

Jane's eyebrow raised, and Maura detected a faint smirk. "Since you met me? Really?"

Only Jane could go from wary to cocky so quickly. "Yes, Jane. Since I met you. Despite your penchant for unflattering blazers and dowdy shoes." Maura gave a smirk of her own.

Jane's mouth widened into a full-blown grin. Then Maura's previous comment registered. "Wait, people think I'm a –" Jane stopped speaking, but her hands continued to gesticulate at random.

"A lesbian, Jane. And if you're looking for a hand gesture for it, I believe it's commonly accepted that you form your fingers into a vee and –"

"Stop right there. I don't want to know. And just because I want to date you doesn't mean they're right," Jane huffed. "Who exactly are we talking about? Has someone said something to you about me?"

Maura put her hands on Jane's shoulders to calm her down. "Is this really the conversation you want to be having right now? Because I, for one, would much rather talk about how you feel the same way about me as I feel about you."

"Oh. Right. Sorry. I got sidetracked. I guess I never expected this evening to go this way." Jane seemed to finally register the impact of their mutual revelations. She looked into Maura's eyes. "So let's talk."

Maura forgot what the original topic was for a moment as she gazed at Jane. Breaking eye contact, she shook her head to clear it. She knew discussions of feelings weren't usually high on Jane's list of things to do, so she tried to begin on a light note. "You're the one who got things started – why don't you tell me when you first recognized your deep and unwavering attraction to me?"

Jane smiled, but she was serious as she responded. "Maura, how could anyone not be attracted to you? You're beautiful, brilliant, caring, kind. When you walk into a room, everyone lights up – Frost, Korsak, all of us. As soon as I met you I just wanted to spend more time with you. And for some reason, you let me. Me, with my unattractive blazers and dowdy shoes. Then we became friends – best friends. If I didn't see you every day, my day just wasn't complete. You were the first person I wanted to turn to when something went well or when something went wrong. You never gave any indication that you were interested in me like that, so I tried to be content with just our friendship. But this ache in my chest just got worse and worse, especially when you'd tell me about some new man you'd met or pointed out some guy you thought was hot. It got harder and harder not to kiss you goodnight at the end of every evening. Assuming you didn't torment me further by sleeping with me in my bed. Do you know what it's like to have the person you want more than anything right there next to you but not be able to do anything about it?"

After what may have been the longest series of consecutive sentences she'd ever heard Jane speak, Maura decided not to interpret the question as rhetorical.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do know what it's like. I wanted – I want – you too. But you were so defensive any time anyone even alluded to a lesbian cop stereotype. Even tonight, you seemed upset someone would think of you like that. All the data I had pointed to you being one hundred percent heterosexual. So I settled for your friendship, even though I wanted so much more. And it wasn't settling. I love spending time with you, in whatever capacity. I tried to push those feelings aside and appreciate what I had. So I went on dates with other people – what else was I supposed to do?"

"Go on a date with me." Jane sounded petulant.

Maura considered Jane's words. "Is that a statement or a question?"

Jane cocked her head. "I guess it's a question. Will you go on a date with me?"

Maura smiled. "I'm not exaggerating when I say I thought you'd never ask. Yes, Jane, I would love to go on a date with you. It seems you already owe me dinner, since we apparently won't be dining at La Marseilles tonight."

Jane jumped off the couch and headed to the kitchen. "I'm so sorry, Maura. Are you hungry?" She peered into the refrigerator. "Do you want some, well, all I have is leftover pizza and half a loaf of bread. I was totally going to go to the store tomorrow. But this in no way counts as our first date. Our first date will be spectacular."

"I have no doubt of that. And pizza is fine. Let's just watch a movie and relax together. We have a lot more to talk about, but there's no rush." Maura feared Jane was reaching a point of overload – her capacity for emotional conversation was likely maxed out, and Maura didn't want to push her over the edge.

Jane put a plate loaded with pizza into the microwave and turned to Maura. "Wait, I have one last question before we transition away from the heavy stuff for tonight. Why did you keep setting us up on all those stupid double dates if you were interested in me?"

Maura couldn't be anything but honest, even if it wasn't entirely the answer Jane might be looking for. "The pragmatic side of me said I may as well spend time with someone who might be interested in me while spending time with the person I was interested in. If they hadn't all had diagnosable conditions, I really would have considered trying to have a relationship with one of them. But to the softer side of me, which does exist, it was an excuse to get dressed up and go out with you. In some ways, it's felt like we were dating for a long time."

Jane gave Maura a small smile. "I suppose it does." Her smile widened. "At least now we can do it without the obnoxious arm candy trying to grope you in front of me all night."

After a mediocre movie and surprisingly good leftover pizza, Maura rose from the couch. Jane's hand was still connected to hers, as it had been since halfway through the movie when it finally completed its slow journey from Jane's thigh to Maura's. For a moment, Maura had felt like she was on her first date in high school, with Roger Egglesworth. He had taken most of a lame movie to hold her hand as well.

"I should go. I'm volunteering with P.U.K.E. in the morning, and I want to be alert." While that was technically true, Maura also wanted to give Jane some time to process. For all of Jane's beautiful words this evening, Maura knew the issue of being in a relationship with another woman would give her pause. Much as Maura wanted to stay, if only for another one of their sleepovers, she wanted to give Jane an opportunity to reflect before moving things forward.

Jane got up from the couch and walked with Maura to the door. "I haven't forgotten about our date. Are you free next Saturday?"

"For you, Jane, of course."

"Excellent. That gives me a week to plan." Jane looked like she was already putting together the details in her head.

"And me a week to look forward to it." Maura smiled.

Jane reached for the doorknob, but Maura stopped her.

"Wait. You said earlier it got harder and harder not to kiss me goodnight. It doesn't have to be hard tonight." Standing face-to-face with the woman she'd imagined kissing for so long and knowing it could finally happen, Maura was not going to let the opportunity pass. Not when there was a .13% chance of being hit by a car on the way home.

Jane stepped back from the doorway and looked down into Maura's eyes. To Maura, it felt like it took eons for Jane to bend her head and close the distance between them. She thought the kiss would be intense, overwhelming, physical – all the ways she would describe Jane herself. It was nothing like she expected. Other than Jane's hands resting lightly on her waist, the only physical connection was their lips, which somehow heightened the sensations. The kiss was so soft, so sweet. If Maura were to continue her streak of interpreting emotions, she would even go so far as to say it was reverent. Jane was gentle and slow as she pressed her lips against Maura's again and again. Maura fought the urge to bury her hands in Jane's hair, to pull their bodies together – she didn't want to ruin this unique connection. Though she tried to block out all other stimuli to focus solely on the exquisite feeling of Jane's lips on her own, Maura couldn't help noticing the soft sounds they made as they came together, Jane's breath through her nose on Maura's cheek, the pounding of her own heart in her ears.

It was over too soon. Maura let out the tiniest whimper when Jane stepped back, leaving her eyes closed as she recovered from the most incredible kiss she had ever received.

"Wow," was all she could manage as she met Jane's eyes. Were they smoldering? Jane's eyes had never smoldered before.

"Yeah, wow," Jane replied, looking a little stunned herself.

"I should – I should go," Maura managed, opening the door and stepping into the hallway. "Thank you."

_Thank you?_  Maura decided there was no way she could be expected to come up with more coherent speech after a kiss like that.

* * *

True to her word, Jane went all out on their first date. After a week at work of secret smiles and stolen little touches, Maura was more than ready for some time alone with Jane. They hadn't had an opportunity to delve further into the conversation they had begun the weekend before, and Maura felt the need for a little reassurance it was all real.

Jane delivered. She picked Maura up exactly on time, wearing a dress – and one that looked perfect on her. There was no way this was their usual going out routine – Jane never dressed up this much for their double dates or even their nights out together.

"Jane!" Maura exclaimed. Unable to help herself, she went on, "I didn't know you owned anything by Isabel Toledo. I'm not surprised you were drawn to her modest hemlines and necklines."

With an indulgent smile, Jane responded, "I may have gone shopping this week. So I clean up okay?"

"If by that you mean you look good, then yes – you look beautiful." Not finding a reason not to, Maura reached out to embrace Jane – their first hug since acknowledging their feelings. It felt different; Maura was able to let herself enjoy it, to fully experience Jane's body pressed against hers. She could feel Jane's heart beating against her own, and she found it was racing too. There were no longer social constraints that made her pull away sooner than she would have liked, so she didn't.

"Can we just stay like this all night?" she asked, with a contented sigh.

"I get all dolled up and make plans for a big night out, and it turns out you're fine with just hug instead? No way, lady. We're going out on the town."

Maura was struggling to accurately describe her feelings as she lay in bed that night, unable to fall asleep. She thought going on a date with Jane would make her feel happy, and it did, but there were so many other, complicated feelings layered on top that she hadn't been able to enjoy it as much as she'd expected.

Seeing Jane in that stunning dress, well how that made Maura feel was easy to identify – aroused. But also tender – Jane looked more vulnerable in feminine clothing, and Maura found she appreciated that side of the detective as much as the strength she usually projected.

Hearing Jane apologize for her "crappy" car and put herself down for apparently not being able to take Maura out in style, that made Maura feel exasperated. Jane had never apologized for her car before – why did it matter now?

Arriving at Selle De La Terre, Maura felt primarily hungry – she knew how good their Provencal food was. And a little impressed – who knew Jane was aware this was rated the best French restaurant in Boston?

Talking with Jane over dinner was a little stilted. Maura wanted to chalk it up to them getting used to the change in their relationship, believing they would relax as time passed. But now that she reflected, she worried Jane had been uncomfortable. Jane kept glancing at the other patrons in the restaurant guiltily. Was she afraid people would know they were together? They had never finished their conversation about Jane's discomfort at being perceived as a lesbian – perhaps going on a date before resolving the issue was a mistake.

Maura's theory may have explained the feelings she had on her doorstep at the end of the evening. She had been looking forward to relaxing on the couch and beginning to explore the physical side of their new relationship, but it was not to be. The kiss Jane gave her was chaste – enjoyable, but chaste.

But for the look Jane gave her before she turned and walked back to her car, Maura would have despaired that their relationship would never progress beyond Jane's internalized homophobia. The look made Maura feel…hunted. Like Jane wanted to devour her. It was totally at odds with the somewhat standoffish behavior Jane had displayed throughout the night.

So Jane wanted her, but something was holding her back. As she finally felt able to drift off to sleep, Maura decided to go against her natural instinct to address things directly. She would be patient and give Jane time to work through whatever issues she was having. But not too much time. Those innocent kisses would only satisfy her for so long.

* * *

The first thing Maura noticed when she stepped into Jane's apartment on Tuesday was how clean it was. Jane always had clothes strewn all over the place and dirty dishes in the sink. Maura generally had to watch her step, lest she trip on one of Jo's toys and break her neck. Tuesday, the place was spotless.

The second thing Maura noticed was the smell of tomato sauce. Entering the kitchen, she saw that Jane had cooked tortellini and garlic bread. There was even a bowl of salad that had more than just iceberg lettuce in it. Most surprising was the bottle of Beringer Knights Valley already open on the counter to breathe.

The third thing was that Jane was still dressed in her work clothes. Usually she would be in oversized sweatpants and a t-shirt, but Tuesday she looked nice. Then again, Maura considered, she always liked Jane in her comfy clothes – Jane was always more relaxed and free in them.

"Jane, this is wonderful. But you didn't have to go to all this trouble."

"It was no trouble. I know you'd rather have real food than takeout."

"True. That's very sweet of you." Maura moved to embrace Jane, hoping for a kiss. Just as their arms wrapped around each other, the kitchen timer went off.

Jane pulled away. "That's the pasta. I don't want it to be overcooked."

Maura sighed. Maybe dinner would be an opportunity for meaningful conversation and she could subtly steer it towards the "l-word" issue. Clearly they wouldn't be eating in front of the TV as usual.

But Jane seemed content to talk about work and her family. Just as Maura was considering broaching the subject of what she should or shouldn't say or do around Jane's family, Jane jumped up from the table.

"It's eight o'clock. There's a documentary on the history of handbags I thought you'd like to watch." Jane moved into the living room and turned on the TV, searching for the right channel.

"How thoughtful. Did you know as far back as the Egyptians, hieroglyphs showed people carrying pouches around their waists?"

"No spoilers!" Jane smiled.

"Was that sarcasm?" Maura smiled back. It was nice to see Jane hadn't put her sense of humor wherever she had put her dirty clothes.

"Noooo," Jane drawled.

They settled in on the couch, Maura tucking herself under Jane's arm. Maura found the documentary fascinating, and she could see Jane tried to stay interested. It was flattering, if a little disconcerting, that Jane was so attentive to her desires. Well, not all of her desires.

Maura decided a little kissing wouldn't violate her vow to be patient, so she turned to Jane as the credits rolled. Pushing a few strands of hair behind Jane's ear, she leaned in and planted a kiss on Jane's cheek, then her neck. Jane stiffened at first, then relaxed and allowed Maura to turn her head so their lips could meet. Too few moments later, just as Maura was feeling like progress was being made, Jane pulled away and rested their foreheads together.

"It's been a long day, and I should probably get some sleep. I've got to get in early tomorrow to catch up on paperwork."

Maura gave Jane what she hoped looked like a sincere smile and nodded her agreement.

"I had a wonderful time tonight. Thank you for dinner and the documentary and the cuddles." Maura slipped her shoes back on and walked to the door. "Kiss me goodnight?" she asked, unable to help batting her eyelashes as she looked up at Jane.

Once again, that intense look appeared in Jane's eyes. But the kiss was as soft and innocent as ever.

_We'll get there_ , Maura told herself.  _There's no rush_.

* * *

After an evening similar to Tuesday – this time with chicken marsala and a Discovery Channel show about tortoises, no progress on the smooches, and a date to the opera on Saturday, Maura was starting to wonder if Jane had developed dissociative identity disorder. When Jane took her to an exhibit of French Impressionists the week after that, Maura decided enough was enough. Watching Jane try to pretend to be interested in what the guide was saying was just sad.

Maura wasn't sure yet what was going on with Jane, so she decided it was time to start testing her theories.

Theory one: Jane kept planning dates to places she knew they wouldn't see someone she knew because she didn't want anyone finding out she was dating another woman.

That would explain the lack of dates to anywhere they'd ever been before or anywhere Jane really wanted to go.

Theory two: Jane was under the mistaken impression she needed to be someone different now that she was Maura's girlfriend and not just her friend.

That just seemed backwards – wouldn't someone be on their best behavior and feign interest in things when she's trying to get someone to date her, not after they're already together?

Theory three: Jane was afraid of or uncomfortable with the idea of sex with another woman.

Jane was pretty uncomfortable talking about sex at all, and she did seem a little prudish at times.

Theory four: Jane had no sex drive at all.

Unacceptable. Maura had to believe behind those intense eyes was the pent-up desire to tear her clothes off and have her way with her.

Theory five: pod people.

This one would be hard to test. Hopefully it wouldn't come to that.

* * *

When Jane stopped by the morgue Friday afternoon to discuss their plans for the weekend, Maura saw an opportunity to test theories one and two.

"I was thinking we could go to Formaggio Kitchen South End for that organic French wine tasting tomorrow," Jane offered. Despite no one else being in the room, she was leaning against an unoccupied slab with her arms crossed.

Deciding it wouldn't hurt to test theories three and four as well, Maura stepped into Jane's personal space and ran her hands down Jane's arms.

Leaning in to speak directly into Jane's ear she said, "I was thinking it's my turn to plan a date. I want to surprise you. I'll pick you up at 2:00. Don't dress up."

Jane seemed torn between bolting and begging Maura not to stop talking. The look on her face was simultaneously pained and pleased.  _Evidence in favor of theory three and against theory four_ , Maura thought. She gave Jane a reprieve and stepped back.

"Don't dress up like you don't dress up or don't dress up like I don't dress up?" Jane asked.

"Be yourself. Be comfortable. You dress like you and I'll dress like me, and we'll have a great time."

* * *

Maura arrived at Jane's door wearing Missoni. Jane was in jeans and a BPD t-shirt.

"Perfect," Maura pronounced, greeting Jane with a kiss.

"If you say so," Jane shrugged. "I'm not sure in what universe what you're wearing qualifies as dressing down, but you look great, that's for sure."

"Like I said, I want us both to be comfortable. I'm comfortable in this and you're comfortable in that. We don't have to be the same."

Jane's shoulders relaxed a bit and she seemed to be processing.  _Theory two?_  Maura wondered.

When they arrived at Fenway Park, Jane was surprised, but pleased.

"You want to watch a baseball game? I thought you found it boring." Jane unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to face Maura.

"I admit, while baseball may be America's pastime, it isn't my favorite. But I like spending time with you, and I like doing things that make you happy." Maura took Jane's hands in her own. "You've been so considerate about doing activities I like since the shift in our relationship, and at first I found it flattering. Then I realized a couple of things I didn't like so much. First, I felt like I was a terrible girlfriend by letting you do nice things for me but not doing anything for you. Thus, the Red Sox game. Second, even though you were doing these nice things, it didn't seem like you were enjoying yourself. So I want us to agree to some parameters for our relationship: we should make it a point to do things we both like, and we should find a balance of doing things together that only one of us likes. Deal?"

Jane gave a wry smile. "It was that obvious that opera's not my thing?"

"You tried very hard to like it, and I appreciate that. But we can go to action movies, too, and I'll try to see what you enjoy about them." Maura wasn't sure what that would be, but if Jane could sit through  _Griselda_ , Maura could endure  _Blowing Stuff Up and Crashing Cars Part IV_.

"So you're my girlfriend?" Jane was still smiling, but Maura considered her response carefully. Theories three and four were still on the table.

"I'd like to be if you want to me be. We need to talk about what that means, and we will. Soon. But not today. Today we have to find out if Adrian Gonzales can continue his 13-game hitting streak." Maura let go of Jane's hands and moved to get out of the car.

"Wow. You really are trying to appreciate what I like." Jane halted Maura's progress and leaned towards her. "And, for the record, I do want you to be my girlfriend." Jane gave Maura a quick kiss.  _Not quite a PDA, but I'll take it._

It wasn't until the third inning that Maura realized Jane had never agreed to her request.

"I still can't believe we sat in the nosebleed section. And that you drank Bud Lite." Jane was in a great mood as they walked out of the stadium after a 5-4 Sox victory over the Orioles. She poked Maura with her #1 Fan foam finger.

Maura looked up at Jane, shading her eyes from the summer sun. "I told you – I wanted you to be comfortable. And I'm not so stuffy that I can't manage a couple of low-quality beverages." Maura had never tasted horse urine, but she had a sneaking suspicion it would be better than what the beer vendors had to offer.

Jane snorted. Maura let it pass.

As they continued to the parking lot in companionable silence, Maura considered her experiment. She was inching toward crossing theory one off her list – Jane had seemed to have a very good time at a place she could have run into people she knew. And while she hadn't been overly demonstrative, Jane had put her arm around Maura at various points and given her a huge hug when David Ortiz scored the winning home run. So maybe Jane wasn't afraid of strangers perceiving her as a lesbian, but Maura still wondered how Jane felt about her co-workers and family knowing about them. She didn't think it would be easy for Jane to admit she was exactly what she'd been trying to prove she wasn't for so long.

Theory two was still a possibility – Jane had enough notions about the way things should be that she might be behaving how she thought a model girlfriend should. Maura wanted to believe a simple conversation would set things straight, but she knew Jane too well to get her hopes up.

Theories three and four weren't appropriate to test at a baseball game, but she would work on them next.

Testing theories in a scientific experiment was so much more straightforward than testing them in a relationship. Maura was beginning to think it might be time to return more to her usual method of information gathering – direct questions. She didn't want to scare Jane off, but the stress of trying to interpret every nuance of their verbal and nonverbal interactions was getting to be too much.

"Jane? I know I promised we wouldn't talk about relationship stuff anymore today, but can we plan to do that sometime soon?" Maura looked at Jane, trying to gauge her reaction. "I figured you'd prefer advance notice rather than having me spring it on you."

"I can't believe you let me go this long without it," Jane actually seemed calm about the idea, although it was clear she was never going to be the one to bring it up. "Of course we can talk about our relationship. I may not be the most comfortable with all that stuff, but I know we'll never make it work without it."

Maura took Jane's hand and gave it a squeeze. Maybe she should have gone with her usual methods from the beginning – it turned out Jane wasn't the only one whose behavior changed when their relationship did.

"How about dinner at my place on Wednesday?" she asked.

"Okay. Are you going to send me a list of discussion points in advance, or will we just do it freestyle?"

Maura wasn't sure if Jane was joking or not. While an agenda might appeal to her organized nature, she considered that in a relationship it might be taking things too far. All the same, she decided this was an opportune time to stop treating Jane with kid gloves.

"I already have a spreadsheet with topics, where I can cross-reference your thoughts with mine to see if we're compatible," Maura replied with a straight face.

Jane stopped walking, then stumbled as Maura, her hand still holding Jane's, continued moving. "A spreadsheet? You're joking?" Maura couldn't hold back her smile any longer. "You're joking," Jane repeated, this time as a statement. "I suppose I deserved that. Freestyle it is."

 


	2. Chapter 2

For all that Maura considered direct communication an appropriate and necessary next step, she found herself nervous Wednesday night as she waited for Jane to arrive. She had been tempted over the past few days to actually create a spreadsheet, but she restrained herself. Maura wanted to establish better, more open communication in her relationship with Jane, and treating it like a patient she was diagnosing didn't seem like the way to make that happen.

She took a deep breath and tried to relax. Just as she exhaled for the second time, the doorbell rang.

Jane was dressed in slacks and a button-down, and not the ones she had worn to work that day. She offered the lilies in her hand to Maura and greeted her with a peck on the lips. Maura momentarily reconsidered her conversation goals for the evening – I have the textbook perfect girlfriend, and I'm trying to change her back? she wondered. But this Stepford-Jane wasn't the person she fell for, and she knew after awhile Jane would resent trying to maintain being someone she wasn't. Maybe she doesn't have to change all the way back. These flowers are lovely.

As Maura put the lilies in water, she invited Jane to sit down at the table. She thought her choice of homemade macaroni and cheese sent the right message – one could have fancy fromage and comfort food all in the same dish. Different as they were, she believed she and Jane were a great combination.

Shortly after they sat down to eat, Maura chose to jump right in – after all, they had scheduled this talk in advance. There was no need to make awkward small talk when they both knew where the conversation was heading.

"Jane, are you happy with our relationship?" Maura leaned forward and gestured between them with her fork.

Jane looked only slightly surprised at the question. She answered quickly.

"Of course I am! The woman I've wanted to be with for so long actually wants me too. What's there not to be happy about?" Jane paused. "Wait, are you happy with our relationship?" She twisted her napkin in her lap, her knuckles turning white.

Though tempted to immediately reassure Jane, Maura considered her answer. "It's possible to be happy but still have things that need addressing. Perhaps that was the wrong question to begin with. Let me start over." She took a deep breath and looked Jane in the eye. "When I met you, the things that attracted me most to you were the things that make you different from me. You're so instinctive, so willing to just go with something to see where it leads. Since we went from friends to, well, girlfriends, you're so controlled. You seem to be holding back. You dress differently, you feign interest in art the person I fell for would have openly mocked. I haven't seen you turn on ESPN in weeks. So maybe this is the question I should have started with: Jane, have you been taken over by a pod person?"

Jane burst out laughing. Once she composed herself, she was able to respond. "Well, when you put it that way, I guess I have to admit I've been on my best behavior lately."

Maura snorted. Delicately, but it was still a snort. "I've seen you on what you purported to be your best behavior, and it wasn't close to this. If your mother saw you, she'd have a heart attack. Metaphorically speaking, of course."

"Let's not bring my mother into this." Jane looked horrified.

Jane's mother was a topic on Maura's mental spreadsheet – perhaps the conversation about telling family and friends about their relationship would have to be handled extra-delicately.

"Agreed. For the moment. But you still haven't answered my question."

Jane looked directly into Maura's eyes, her expression serious. "I solemnly swear I have not been taken over by a pod person."

Maura swallowed her last bite of dinner and put down her fork. Jane had finished hers during Maura's earlier monologue, and she drank the last of her water as she sat back.

"Let's go sit on the couch. I'll rub your feet while you tell me why I should believe you." Maura got up with her plate, rinsed it, and put it in the dishwasher. Having a serious relationship talk was no excuse to let the dishes pile up. Jane did the same and followed her to the living room.

Maura sat at one end of the couch and patted her lap. Jane looked skeptical but sat on the opposite end. She removed her still-dowdy shoes and socks and swung her legs into Maura's lap.

"I don't think anyone's ever rubbed my feet before," she admitted, looking a little wary of what the experience might bring.

"Oh, Jane – you've being missing out on the benefits of the serotonin and dopamine that are released." Maura began a skillful massage of Jane's heel, sliding her thumbs across the arch then rubbing the ball of her foot.

"Dopey-whatever or not, that feels great." Jane leaned her head back against the arm of the couch and threw her arms out.

Now that Jane was relaxing, Maura hoped she'd finally get some answers out of her. "So tell me what's been going on with you that can't be attributed to alien invasion."

Jane sighed and closed her eyes. Maura worried for a moment she would go to sleep and continue to avoid the conversation she had promised at the baseball game they would have. Then Jane opened her eyes and began to speak.

"I really still can't believe someone like you would go out with someone like me. I never imagined when I told you how I felt that you would feel the same. So when you did, I was a little thrown. I want so badly to give you everything you want, everything you deserve. You could have anyone, and for the life of me I don't know why you picked me, but I don't want you to regret that or to feel like you're missing out on the life you could have if you were with someone else. Someone classier."

Maura felt simultaneously touched and exasperated. Leave it to Jane to make things worse by trying to make them better. She switched feet and continued her massage.

"That's one of the sweetest and stupidest things I've ever heard. What gave you the indication I wanted you to be anyone but the person you'd been up to the point I told you I had feelings for you?" Maura tried to keep her tone soft.

"I'm the person you talked to after all of your dates. You found something, no matter how small, wrong with all of them. I'm far from perfect, and I didn't want to give you any more ammunition than you already had." Jane looked distressed.

Maura's shoulders sagged. Perhaps she had been overly candid with Jane all those nights she stopped by after a bad date and made fun of the poor men's quirks and foibles. "Jane, don't you know you're different than all of them? That I rejected all of them for asinine reasons because they weren't who I really wanted to be with? Please don't try to become some idea of perfection because you think I'll reject you otherwise. You're who I want, just as you are."

Jane didn't look convinced. "Yeah, well, for how long? How long before you lose interest in me and my beer-and-baseball-game evenings and my crazy family?"

Now Maura really was frustrated. "How would you ever find out, since you've been too busy taking me on dates you don't enjoy? And you haven't let me around your family, never mind that I used to see them on a regular basis."

Maura didn't give Jane a chance to answer. She went on the offensive, all plans for a controlled, careful conversation leaving her head. "I know relationships haven't been your strong suit, but I've never seen you this insecure. How do I know this isn't an excuse to cover your internalized homophobia and fear of intimacy? You say you want everything to be perfect, but you've shut me out of parts of your life I used to be allowed inside, and I touch you less now than before we started dating. I can't believe you think I'm so shallow that I'd drop you if something shinier came along. What's really going on?"

Jane sat up and put her head in her hands. When she looked up, her expression was miserable. "I really am just that bad at relationships, Maura. I don't think you're shallow – please believe me. I'm just having trouble adjusting. I know I should have talked to you, but that's not my first instinct. I can be better."

Maura scooted closer on the couch and put her hand on Jane's thigh. "I don't want you to be better. I just want you to be yourself. You're right – you should have talked to me. And I should have talked to you, but I was trying to give you space to readjust. We're just going to have to give in to the stereotype and process. Let's start this whole thing over, but this time we'll tell each other what's going on in our heads like we always have. You go back to being you, and I'll go back to being me."

Maura paused. Something about that wasn't quite right. What was she forgetting? Ah, yes.

"But with sex," she finished.

Jane laughed, but not in a way that sounded like she found anything funny.

"If only things could be that simple."

Why couldn't they be? She and Jane were great friends, and now they could be great friends who also got to enjoy the pleasure and benefits of sexual interactions. When she thought of it that way, though, it somehow cheapened what she imagined sex with Jane would be like. Maybe Jane was right – it wasn't so simple to make that transition. Hoping it was just a matter of navigating new waters together and that Jane wasn't about to confess her asexuality, Maura smiled encouragingly.

Jane smiled back. "I know I promised we'd talk about our relationship, but that didn't mean we had to do it all at once, did it?"

"Of course not," Maura assured her. Though it seemed theory two was a winner, she was still worried about theories three and four. "But can you at least let me know if we will be having sex someday? I'm not saying we have to schedule it for tomorrow, but I need to know you at least want to at some point."

The look Jane gave her melted Maura's heart. Metaphorically, of course. She placed her hand on Maura's cheek. "Yes, Maura, I very much want to at some point."

"Excellent." Relieved was an understatement for how Maura felt.

Jane's hand dropped to her lap, and Maura took it in her own. She leaned in and kissed Jane, her imagination suddenly running wild with future possibilities.

After they broke apart, Jane buried her head in the crook of Maura's neck and made one more request. "For now, though, can we move slowly and just enjoy every step?"

Maura closed her eyes and let Jane's sexy rasp wash over her. She took a deep breath and tried to calm her raging libido. Slow. She could do slow.

"Of course." Snuggling closer to Jane, she continued, "I suppose since we're pausing in our relationship conversation for the time being, I'll hold off on my questions about whether or not I can be there to see the look on your mother's face when you tell her about us."

Maura knew they had made progress when Jane's response was to tickle her mercilessly and tell her what a horrible sadist she was. Yes, she was pretty sure she could now cross theory five off of her list.

After the intensity of the night before, they agreed to a low-key evening at Maura's apartment on Thursday. Agreeing on a movie, they relaxed on the couch.

It seemed a weight had been lifted off of Jane. She was still dressed better than she used to, but she flipped on the end of the baseball game before the movie and drank beer instead of pretending to like wine.

The end of the movie found Maura cozily wrapped in Jane's arms, with her legs across Jane's lap. Rather than holding back, as she had done before, Maura decided to assert her desires and deal with the consequences. How could she ask Jane to be honest and not do so herself?

"Jane?" she began, turning towards the brunette. "I know we said we'd table the sex conversation, and that's fine. I don't want to pressure you. But there are lots of things we can do in the meantime that aren't sex. Could we, maybe, just kiss for awhile?" Maura wasn't above giving Jane her best sexy look, in an effort to swing things her way.

Jane tilted her head slightly as she considered. "No funny business? Just kissing?" she confirmed.

Maura smiled encouragingly and nodded.

Jane's expression was one of trust, and Maura promised herself she wouldn't push any boundaries. "Of course we can kiss," was Jane's final answer.

And, oh, could Jane kiss. Now that whatever barrier between them had been lifted, Jane threw herself completely into kissing Maura. She was as focused and intense as Maura had originally imagined she would be. The kisses quickly moved past the chaste point they had been at up to now, and finally Jane's hands roamed across Maura's body. Maura was overwhelmed by the sensation of Jane's hands in her hair, caressing her back, stroking her arms, touching her face.

Maura found herself thoroughly enjoying the freedom setting limits allowed, oxymoronic as that sounded. Knowing they would go no further freed Maura to fully appreciate what they were doing without having a portion of her brain occupied with wondering what would happen next. Her eyes were closed, but she was mindful of her other senses. The taste of Jane's tongue as it entered her mouth, then encouraged hers back into Jane's, was incredible. The softness of her lips and skin was magnificent. Maura took in the smell of Jane's shampoo – subtle, but with a hint of lavender. And the sounds – the little noises Jane made threw Maura's libido into overdrive almost as much as the tactile sensations. Jane moaned when Maura deepened a kiss; she whimpered when Maura nibbled on her earlobe; she sighed when Maura scratched her scalp.

Maura's internal clock went completely offline, and she had no idea how much time had passed since what she could only define as a makeout session had begun. Eventually, their kisses slowed, then stopped. Maura took stock of the situation. They had begun sitting next to each other on the couch, but now she was stretched out underneath Jane, who was resting her head on Maura's shoulder. Maura's blouse had ridden up, and a strip of her stomach was exposed. Jane's hair was in total disarray, spilling over Maura's chest. They were both breathing a bit heavily.

"Wow," was all Maura could think to say. She felt dizzy even though she was lying down.

Jane propped herself up on an elbow and looked down at Maura. "Yeah, wow. Great idea, kissing."

"We'll have to do it again sometime soon," Maura replied hopefully.

"Now that we've started I don't think I can stop," Jane murmured, her eyes a little glassy.

"Good," Maura replied. Perhaps Jane was feeling as fuzzy as she was.

"I mean, I don't think I can stop kissing you when we're together in the future. Not that I can't stop kissing you tonight. Although I'm having a little trouble not kissing you right this very moment." Jane's eyes held Maura's as she struggled to express herself.

Yes, Jane definitely seemed to be as affected by their evening as Maura was. Tempted to tell Jane not to hold back but curious about just how long they had been doing what they had been doing, Maura brought her wrist up and broke Jane's mesmerizing gaze. 12:47?

"I don't think it's tonight anymore. Technically, it's tomorrow. Well, that's not possible – it can only ever be today. Unless you believe in time travel, which I don't. My point is, we've been kissing for almost two hours." Maura tried to think. "I don't think I've ever kissed anyone for two hours straight."

"After two hours of kissing you, I'm definitely not straight," Jane laughed.

The theorizing portion of Maura's brain wanted to capitalize on that statement and find out what Jane thought about her sexual orientation and what it meant in the context of other areas of her life, but the rest of Maura just wanted to enjoy the moment. So she just laughed as well and pulled Jane back down to rest on her chest.

"I don't want to move." Having so successfully gotten what she desired by being honest earlier in the evening, she tried again. "Stay with me the rest of the night. Don't leave."

Jane tensed in her arms but quickly relaxed again.

Afraid the answer might be no, Maura continued, "I meant what I said about not pressuring you. I'm not going to try any 'funny business.' I just want to wake up in your arms." Believing she could seal her argument she added, "Besides, we used to spend the night together with some regularity before we started dating. Why stop now?"

Jane propped herself up again and looked at Maura. "We did, didn't we? What was the deal with that? Regular best friends don't do, that, do they?" One corner of Jane's mouth turned up. "We were a little blind, eh?"

Maura laughed, mostly at herself. "I believe we were. Really, who feels the need to always tell someone things face-to-face when a phone call would be way more efficient?"

"And who invites their 'best friend' to family dinners on a regular basis?"

"And who sits that close on the couch?"

"And who runs a marathon when they hate jogging?"

Maura's grin softened into an affectionate smile. "That really was very sweet of you, Jane. You've done a lot of things you didn't like because I wanted you to."

Jane made a face. "Like yoga?"

"Exactly."

"Well, I wanted to spend time with you. And if I managed to ruin any budding relationships with creepy dudes in the process, all the better." Jane looked a little too satisfied.

"You're terrible. But you really didn't have to do anything to keep me from exploring something more with the gentlemen I dated. Having an opportunity to check you out in tank tops and tight pants distracted me from their charms."

Jane blushed and ducked her head. Maura held her for a moment, then asked quietly, "So you'll stay?"

Jane looked back up at Maura. "On one condition."

"What's that?" Maura was prepared to do just about anything to keep Jane in her arms.

"We sleep in the bed. As much fun as we've had on this couch, it doesn't make sense to stay here when there's a place I already know is more comfortable just down the hall."

"Deal," Maura immediately replied.

Maura awoke to the feeling of Jane's hand on her stomach, where it had slid underneath the t-shirt she had slept in. Jane was pressed against her back, still asleep, Maura decided as she listened to the even breathing. She savored the sensation of being cocooned in the embrace of the person she cared for most.

This was as close to a perfect moment as Maura had experienced in her life, and the realization was startling. She had known her feelings for Jane were strong, that their relationship was unlike any she'd ever had. But she'd been so caught up in trying to figure things out and move them along that she hadn't taken time to just enjoy what was happening.

Of course there were still things they needed to discuss and work through, but wouldn't there always be? That was half the fun of being with Jane – pushing each other, teasing each other, until they figured something out. But that morning, with the light beginning to shine into her bedroom and Jane's warmth all around her, she wanted nothing more than exactly what she had.

Thirty minutes later, she tried to hang on to that feeling of contentment, with Jane on top of her, kissing her like there was no tomorrow. Jane really seemed to be really into this 'just kissing' thing, and she applied herself fully. Her hands never strayed below Maura's waist or near her breasts, and her lower half never moved. Maura tried to follow suit, but it took a fair amount of concentration not to thrust against the thigh that had slipped between her own.

She wasn't sure why yet, but Jane needed this, needed to stay at this stage for the moment, and Maura was determined to be there with her. She tried to return to the feelings she had the night before, of not thinking two moves ahead, but her body wasn't on the same page. There was something inherently more intimate about being in a bed than on a couch. In an effort to make things easier on herself, she purposely slowed their kisses, rather than escalating them as she desired.

Finally disengaging her lips from Jane's, she spoke her first words of the day, "Good morning."

"It is, isn't it?" Jane's voice was huskier than usual, and Maura decided she was going to try to convince Jane to spend the night more often, if it meant she got to hear it regularly. Before Maura could contemplate why she would think a raspy voice was sexier than a smooth one, Jane had rolled off of her and sat up, looking around the room frantically.

"I forgot I have a meeting with the lieutenant first thing today! I have to go! I can't show up at work in yesterday's clothes – I'd never hear the end of it from Frost and Korsak." Jane was now picking up the clothes she had tossed on the floor when she had exchanged them for a pair of Maura's shorts and a t-shirt before getting in bed.

Maura got out of bed and put a hand on Jane's back. "Calm down. There's plenty of time. You head home and shower and change, and I'll bring you breakfast and coffee at the station."

Jane stood up and took a deep breath. "You're right. Sorry I panicked. I had a wonderful time last night, and I hate to rush out on you like this."

"It's okay. There will be other mornings." Maura's statement sounded a bit like a question to her ears.

"Right. Other mornings." Jane nodded. "Now where are my socks?"


	3. Chapter 3

The next two weeks were wonderful. Jane seemed back to her normal self. Rather than staging stilted, overly-romantic dates, they had mundane evenings in most weeknights and tried to explore new things they were both interested in on weekends. Coming up with ideas proved to be an exercise in compromise.

Looking down at Boston from the basket of a hot air balloon, Maura was glad she had talked Jane out of her original proposal. Maura wasn't acrophobic – she just didn't believe throwing oneself out of an airplane was the wisest way to spend a Saturday. But she thoroughly enjoyed the peacefulness of floating through the air. Once she got used to the noise.

Jane looked like a kid in a candy store as she pointed out the landmarks she could recognize. Maura was thrilled Jane could be so open in her delight. Gone was the artificiality of their first date. This is what being together should be like, Maura thought. Having fun, enjoying new experiences with someone you cared about. She hadn't even been struggling with the physical element of their relationship. It was nice to build a foundation without the complication of sex getting in the way.

The metaphorical high that had accompanied the literal one didn't even last through the drive home. Instead, it gave way to their first fight.

Jane had spent time with her family without Maura since they began dating, and Maura tried to be understanding. Jane would downplay the events, insisting it was just a low-key dinner or that she would just be stopping by to drop something off, and Maura let her. She didn't want to push for Jane to tell her family anything she wasn't comfortable with. But Angela's birthday party was scheduled for that evening, and it was something Jane would have invited her to when they were just friends. Maura was tired of not pushing and made her displeasure known.

"Explain to me again why I can't come to your mother's party." Maura hated the high-pitched tone of her voice, but she was committed to pinning Jane down on the issue for once.

"I told you, it'll just be a few extended family members eating lame cake and making uncomfortable small talk." Jane's eyes cut over to Maura and then back to the road.

"If you don't want me there, just say it, but don't lie to me. Frankie said half the neighborhood was coming. He assumed I would be there." Maura was equal parts mad and hurt.

Jane opened her mouth as though she was going to answer, but then reconsidered. She took a breath and held it. Exhaling loudly, she ran her hand through her hair.

"I just –" Jane began. "I can't –" she tried again. Finally, she gave Maura a pleading look. Maura felt no temptation to let her off the hook.

"I don't think I can be with you around my family and have them not figure things out. My mother would know in an instant things have changed between us." Jane stopped, as though that explained things.

Still unclear on Jane's thoughts on openly dating a woman, Maura was hardly satisfied with the answer. "Would that be so bad? Are you planning on us dating indefinitely but keeping me away from all family gatherings? Because I'm not okay with that."

"Oh, so you've told your parents we're together? We'll be summering with them in their house in the south of France?" Jane apparently thought the best defense was a good offense.

Maura was determined to have the victory, even if it was a pyrrhic one. "Fine. If it'll get you to let me come to the party, I'll call my mother and tell her about us right now." She pulled out her phone.

Jane turned her head to make eye contact briefly, and for a moment Maura thought she would be forced to go through with it. But Jane shook her head.

"I won't call your bluff. But don't think that's the last word on this issue. It's not fair of you to push me to do something with my family you haven't done with yours."

Maura considered. They should have had this conversation weeks ago, when there wasn't a deadline looming

"Okay. We clearly have more to talk about on this subject. But I didn't ask you to tell your family about us – I just asked to come to an event your friend Maura would have come to. You're the one acting like it would be the end of the world. For as much as I've participated in your family's activities, wouldn't your mom find it odd if I didn't come?"

As they stopped at a red light, Jane rested her forehead against the steering wheel. She sat up and gave Maura that desperate look again.

"It's not you – and it's not us. You know my mom. She's always trying to set me up with any available man. And she wants grandchildren like she needs air. I'm not ready to deal with her reaction to all this." The light turned green, and Jane turned her eyes back to the road.

"I understand. I really do. I just wish you had talked to me about this instead of putting me off. Maybe your mom will figure things out if she sees us together and maybe she won't, but now there's no opportunity to do this on your terms. She's going to grill you if I don't come, and if I do you're going to spend the whole time being paranoid. Chances are your odd behavior will be the thing that clues her in." Maura had a sneaking suspicion Angela wouldn't be all that surprised however she found out, but she wasn't sure Jane was ready to hear that. Then again, maybe it would help.

"Great. Apparently I'm coming out to my mother today." Jane pulled up to the curb in front of her apartment. The fact that she had driven there instead of dropping Maura off was a positive sign. Morbid fascination with Angela's reaction aside, Maura really did want to be there to support Jane if she needed it. If she got to see everything firsthand, what was the harm in that?

"Coming out, you say?" Maura asked as they got out of the car. She decided if they were finally going to rip the band-aid off, so to speak, of the family issue they may as well deal with the label issue also. "Coming out as what? Lesbian? Bisexual? A straight woman who couldn't resist this one beautiful medical examiner?" Smiling at Jane, she hoped the rest of their conversation wouldn't be as tense as it started. Working through challenges together was one thing, but out-and-out fighting was another. Especially when she knew there would be no make-up sex.

"Geez, Maura. I thought you of all people would be against labels. Why does telling someone I'm dating a woman have to mean anything more than that?" They entered the building and Jane pressed the button for the elevator.

"Fine. Maybe I'm curious. We haven't talked at all about what our relationship means in the broader context of our lives. It's been wonderful to be alone together, but after awhile it's not sustainable. We either have to consciously hide the nature of our interactions or learn how to be a couple around our friends and family. I, for one, am not in favor of hiding, and I didn't take you for someone who would be either."

"I'm not afraid, if that's what you think." Jane leaned against the elevator wall opposite Maura, her arms folded across her chest. "Or ashamed." Her expression softened. "I just don't like putting my business out there."

The elevator stopped and they exited. As they walked down the hall, Maura thought about Jane's words. She wasn't close with her family and had few friends. Her co-workers were the people she spent most of her time with, and she didn't have a problem with them knowing she and Jane were together. Like Angela, Maura thought most of them wouldn't be surprised. In fact, there were probably a few who would only be shocked by the fact that they hadn't been together longer.

But Jane was different. She was a private person in a prying family, and she felt some need to prove she was more than a stereotype. Hoping most of the real issues were Jane's own and not the people's around her, Maura believed the hurdle wasn't insurmountable. A positive reaction from even one person might help Jane relax.

Once in the apartment, Maura led Jane to the armchair and sat down on the end of the next to her. The party was in two hours – she hoped that was long enough to calm Jane down and make a decision about her family. Where to start? Perhaps the very beginning.

"Jane, tell me about the first person you dated. What was he like? What did your family think?"

Jane gave her a funny look but started talking. "I was a senior in high school. He was the son of a friend of my mom's. I hadn't been interested in dating – I was busy playing basketball or running track. But prom was coming up, and my mom was desperate for her only daughter not to miss all the hoopla. You know I love driving Ma crazy, but it meant so much to her. Bobby Gianetti had been asking me out for weeks – probably at the behest of both of our mothers – so I finally said yes. Ma took me shopping for a big poofy dress and made me get my hair done."

Maura smiled at the image. "I'm sure you looked lovely."

"I looked ridiculous. But in the end the whole thing was kind of fun. Lame, but still fun. We went with a friend of mine from the basketball team and her date. So afterwards Bobby and I kept seeing each other. Mostly double dates with Katie and Mike. My mom was thrilled. She was always inviting Bobby over for dinner and asking him tons of personal questions. He was nice enough, but he went off to college and I stayed at home for junior college. Ma was devastated when we broke up. But overall I think she was relieved I had dated anyone at all. She was concerned I was asexual or something."

"I know the feeling," Maura muttered under her breath.

"What?" Jane asked.

"Never mind. Tell me who came next," Maura encouraged.

Jane blushed and ducked her head. "There was this girl. Diane." She looked back up at Maura with a wry smile. "In my English 101 class. She had her own apartment and we used to study together. One night we kissed. It was totally different than kissing Bobby. I felt so much more in that one kiss than I did in all the fooling around I did with him."

Maura felt an odd combination of relief and jealousy. "I had no idea. What happened next?"

"A couple of days later I was in my criminology class and the professor started going off on 'dyke cops.' How you have to watch out for them because they only want to bust the balls of their male co-workers and sleep with the innocent straight females ones. It felt like everyone in the room was looking at me while he was talking." Jane rested her elbows on her knees. "Maura, all I ever wanted to be was a cop. And just as I was waking up to these feelings about Diane I find out they might hurt my chances of a career."

"Jane, I'm so sorry. I hate that you felt like you couldn't be yourself." Maura held Jane's hand and gave it a squeeze. "So what did you do?"

Jane sat back and sighed. "I'm not proud of it. Basically, I stopped talking to Diane and threw myself into getting the best grades I could so I could get into the academy. She called a bunch at first. Ma wondered what was up. I never explained anything to Diane – I just cut her off. It's horrible. I was a total chicken."

"You were young, Jane. And prejudice is hard to deal with at any age. But I hope you don't think Frost or Korsak or even the lieutenant would have a problem with you being with a woman. They'd probably be jealous."

Jane managed a small smile. "Deep down, I know that. But that's because they know me, and they know you. But what about everyone else? What if that's all anyone thinks about – hey, there's that lesbo-cop. I bet she pees standing up and secretly hates men." Jane looked agitated.

"Jane. Honey. I know you've heard plenty of negative comments from your colleagues about lesbians. And I don't mean to downplay that. But it's 2011. Same-sex couples have been getting married in Massachusetts for seven years. BPD marched in the pride parade this year."

Jane folded her arms across her chest. "Knowing it in my head and living through it are two different things."

"So what about your family? What do you believe in your head about how they'll react? I know getting from here to there may not be something you're looking forward to, but they love you. For all you squabble, there's so much love among you I can't imagine anything changing that."

"I've just never talked about that kind of stuff with my family. Pop doesn't seem all that interested. If I'm happy, he's happy, and that's all there is to it. Tommy was too busy with his own problems to get into my business. And Frankie loves to tease me, but I can handle him. But Ma, Ma's going to make some huge deal out of it. Whatever she feels about it, it's going to be all she can talk about. I don't want to deal with that, and I don't want to put you through it."

"I think your mom is great. She's the polar opposite of mine, and I love that. She's already welcomed me into your family." Maura decided it wasn't speculating if there was indirect evidence to support her theory. "Don't you think maybe there's a chance she even already suspects?" she posited.

Jane looked stunned. "But I've never said anything or done anything that would give her that impression."

Maura's expression was incredulous. "Jane. Really? She's your mother – don't they say mothers always know? And you remember that conversation we had about all the things we used to do that regular old best friends don't do? Don't you think she noticed some of those things?"

Jane's expression now held a measure of hope.

"What did you say about how your mom treated your first boyfriend – she invited him over to dinner all the time and asked him lots of personal questions? Think about how your mom interacts with me."

Jane nodded. "She invites you over to dinner all the time and asks you lots of personal questions."

Maura's eyes were triumphant. "Exactly. So maybe showing up together at this party will be no big deal, even if your mom does get the confirmation you think she will. Sure, maybe she'll be dramatic about it, but she's dramatic about everything."

Jane laughed ruefully. "True. With any luck Tommy'll come home in the next couple of days and she can freak out about him."

It seemed Jane had come around to the idea of telling her family about their relationship, but Maura never liked to assume. "So what do you want to do tonight?" she asked, looking into Jane's eyes.

Jane took a deep breath. "Come with me to the party. Ma won't make a scene with everyone there, but we'll stick around until they all leave and talk to her and Pop and Frankie." Jane's look of resignation softened into one of devotion. "I need you to believe this was never about anything having to do with you. This is about me and my issues and my wacky family. You – you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm trying so hard not to screw that up."

Maybe too hard. Maura sighed internally, trying to keep her outward appearance one of patience. She really did understand at least the root of some of Jane's issues, as she called them. Her family, her profession – they didn't contribute to healthy relationships. But at some point Jane was going to have to get it together and trust other people, Maura especially. What Jane saw as being thoughtful or protective was starting to feel like condescension.

"If this is going to work, you've got to talk to me about why you're doing what you're doing. I've spent the past few months trying to figure out if you were ever going to tell anyone anything about us," Maura admitted.

Jane threw up her hands. "Why didn't you just ask me? You've never held back your opinion before, so I assumed your silence on the subject meant maybe you didn't want them to know. Maybe you didn't want to deal with the repercussions. And it's not like you were shouting about us from the rooftops."

Maura stifled her instinct to immediately deny any blame in the situation, but she took a breath and reconsidered. Long-term, she wouldn't allow Jane to use her natural aversion to all things relationship as an excuse not to speak up, but she had to acknowledge she hadn't done her part to ensure clarity of understanding.

"It seems we've been here before, in the short time we've been together. Neither one of us brings up the questions or concerns we're having, and it leads to misunderstanding. It's not uncommon for people in new relationships to focus on the positive and avoid anything that could lead to a disagreement. Perhaps I took for granted that the foundation of our friendship would help us avoid those missteps. We may have made improvements in some areas of our interactions, such as how we spend our recreational time. But there are elements to a romantic relationship that aren't present in a platonic one, and we haven't successfully figured out how to navigate those."

Jane looked uncomfortable. "So what do you suggest, Dr. Isles? Couples counseling?"

"As effective as I believe such interventions can be, I don't think we're in need of those services quite yet." Maura tried to soften the clinical tone she had slipped into. "We just need to trust each other more. You need to trust that I care about you and want this relationship to work, no matter the issues we face, and I need to trust that I can bring up anything and you won't be scared off."

Jane relaxed a bit. "Do I throw off that bad of an anti-processing-feelings vibe that you're worried I'll run away? I'm not the best at bringing things up, and I promise I'll work on that, but please don't think you're going to scare me out of this relationship. I'm still a little stunned you want to be in it with me, but there's no way I'm going to push you away. At least, not on purpose."

"I suppose I've never been that successful in relationships myself, so it's unfair of me to act as though I'm an expert," Maura admitted. "Let's promise to confide in each other like we always have, and I'm sure we can get through anything."

"Including my mother finding out we're together?" Jane was smiling, which was really the answer itself.

"Absolutely."

Jane was becoming more and more agitated as the party went on, and not because she was concerned someone would find out the nature of their relationship.

"Geez, Maura, did you put on some kind of extra-special man-magnet perfume this morning?" she muttered out of the corner of her mouth as they stood next to each other in the crowded living room. "I know you're hot, but you have to admit this many guys hitting on you is unprecedented."

The latest in a string of Jane's cousins and the Rizzoli's neighbors had just accepted Maura's polite decline of an offer to refresh her beverage.

Maura looked across the room to see Mrs. Rizzoli watching them. She tilted her head in a questioning gesture, and Angela winked in response. Interesting. And a little absurd. As much as she enjoyed the Angela's warmth and openness in contrast to her own mother's, Maura suddenly became conscious that she really was a meddlesome woman. And that Jane's inability to speak about something directly was most likely a result of being raised by someone who would rather jump to conclusions than ask a question. And that if she and Jane stayed together, Angela would become more and more involved in their lives.

Oh dear. Maybe Jane was right to want to keep things just between us. Maura took a deep breath. "You're right, Jane. It must be frustrating for you to have to endure this. Perhaps we should just say our goodbyes and leave now. In fact, I don't think anyone would mind if we just slipped out – we've already spoken with Frankie and your dad and wished your mother a happy birthday."

Jane did a double-take. "What? We had a big fight this afternoon because I wasn't going to take you to this party and now you want to leave before the big moment? I was this close to planting one on you to get Cousin Gary to go away." She narrowed her eyes. "Wait a second. All these guys talking to you – did Ma put them up to that? She already knows, doesn't she? And she's just trying to force me into admitting it. Her old plan of pushing guys on me didn't work, so now she's pushing them on you. Sneaky." She shook her head. "But why does that bother you? I thought you were all for getting things out in the open and you couldn't wait to witness the whole scene."

Maura remembered her promise to be honest but didn't think that meant it needed to be the brutal kind. "Well, I thought, perhaps, a little more time to keep things just between us would be nice. Why involve other people when we're still figuring out how to be a couple?" She hoped her tone sounded sincere.

No luck. Such were the perils of dating a police officer. Jane snorted. "You realized how much my mom interferes and decided maybe you weren't so keen on inviting that into your life."

Rather than retreating into the cautious shell she had been hiding behind before, Maura's discomfort seemed to embolden Jane. She put her arm around Maura's shoulder. "Nope, you're not getting off the hook. If we're together, that means you get to share my pain in dealing with my mom. My whole family, for that matter. Maybe I should go ahead and make the big announcement before everyone leaves."

Maura's eyes widened. She was certain Jane wasn't bluffing. What a roller coaster of a day. From the high of the balloon ride to the dip of their fight, back up to the shared decision to come out, and now down to the realization that she might be in over her head, Maura wasn't sure what else could be in store for them.

"No, no. I think we should just stick to the original plan. We'll talk to your family once the party ends. That will be drama enough." Nervous as she suddenly was, she smiled up at Jane. This was the person she fell for – someone whose confidence made her that much sexier. Maybe this would be for the best.

An hour later, Jane was washing dishes in the kitchen while Maura dried them. Dishpan hands were not ideal for a medical examiner, Maura claimed. Angela was at the door saying goodbye to the last guest, and Frankie and Frank were picking up beer bottles from the living room.

"Last chance for both of us to back out," Jane said to Maura as she handed her the plate she had just rinsed. Her tone was sincere, but her face still held the expression of amusement it had since Maura tried to convince her to escape.

Maura considered. Earlier in the day she would have been mad at Jane for trying to weasel out of what they had agreed on, but now she appreciated Jane's consideration of her own anxiety.

She looked into Jane's eyes. "No. This is for the best. For us to move forward as a couple and for you to be able to be open with your family. It's going to be fine. I'm sure your mother won't –" Maura hesitated. "I'm sure she'll be – "

"Stop trying to be tactful. She'll be a nosy nuisance, but it'll be OK. Better for her to bug us about something new instead of the same old why-can't-you-find-a-man nonsense." A devilish grin appeared on Jane's face. "Besides, I'm looking forward to messing with my mom. Follow my lead when she comes in."

Maura gave Jane an appraising look but decided to let her handle the situation however she wanted. "I'll do my best," she said as she went back to drying dishes.

The Rizzoli men were just finishing bagging the trash when Angela joined them all in the kitchen.

"Great party, Ma," Frankie gave her a hug.

"Thank you for inviting me. It was a lovely event," Maura wasn't sure of Jane's plans, but she wasn't going to suspend her manners while she waited.

"I'm so glad you were able to come." Angela leaned against the counter opposite the sink. Maura detected a slight smirk as she asked, "So, did you meet anyone nice tonight?"

Jane raised her eyebrow at Maura and spoke up. "Ma. You've got to stop throwing men at Maura."

"What?" Angela threw her hands up. "She doesn't deserve a little happiness? Just because you're not interested in any man I introduce you to doesn't mean Maura wouldn't be."

"She's seeing someone." Jane had a smirk of her own.

Angela's face fell but she quickly pasted on a cheery smile.

"Oh. That's great, Maura. Tell me about the lucky guy."

Maura glanced at Jane, who gave a small nod. Perhaps Maura could have a little fun before the drama hit.

"Well, it's a co-worker," she began, "who is tall, with dark hair."

"Hey, it sounds like Frankie," Jane's dad piped in.

Frankie shot an alarmed look at Jane. "Not me. Nope."

"What else, Maura?" Jane's eyes were twinkling.

Maura narrowed her eyes at her girlfriend and continued. "The person I'm dating can be ornery and contrary but has a warm heart and a wonderful family."

"Wait, are you cheating on me?" Jane asked indignantly. "Because that doesn't sound like me at all. Okay, maybe the heart thing, but certainly not the rest of it."

"Very funny, Jane." Angela crossed her arms. "As if you'd ever get up the nerve to ask out Dr. Isles."

Jane raised her eyebrow at Angela and inclined her head towards Maura. "Tell 'em, Doc. Who asked out who?"

"You did. And it's 'whom.'" Maura couldn't help herself.

"Whatever. See Ma, you have to stop trying to set up me or Maura because we're taken. By each other." Jane took a breath and waited for her mother's reaction.

She didn't have to wait long. "It's about freakin' time!" Angela exclaimed. "I thought you'd just pine away forever, didn't I, Frank?" She turned to her husband.

He nodded. "It's true. She kept wanting to intervene, but I convinced her not to."

"All those setups were Ma not intervening? I shudder to think what would have happened if you hadn't held her back, Pop." Jane leaned back against the counter. "So what was the deal with that? If you knew I had feelings for Maura, why did you keep making me go on dates with every man you could think of?"

Angela shrugged. "I figured you'd either find one you liked or be driven so nuts you'd finally admit you really wanted to be with Maura."

"And tonight, with the parade of guidos lining up in front of Maura – what was that?" Jane asked.

"I decided my strategy wasn't working so I came at it from another angle. I just wish I'd have known I'd already achieved success."

"Yeah, Ma. You deserve all the credit for Maura and me getting together."

Jane addressed her brother. "You've been quiet, Frankie. What do you have to say on the subject?"

Frankie punched Jane lightly in the arm. "Way to go, sis. And Korsak owes me five dollars."

"What? You and Korsak talked about my love life?" She turned to Maura. "See, I told you the whole work thing would be a nightmare."

Maura opened her mouth to speak for the first time since the Rizzolis began processing, but Jane had already turned back to Frankie. "What did you guys say?"

Frankie looked abashed. "Just, you know, how you two were always together. And how you give each other these puppy dog looks."

Frankie flinched as Jane backhanded him in the stomach. "Hey!"

"Hey yourself! I don't know what you're talking about. Maura, back me up."

Maura thought back to all those moments she and Jane shared and decided the looks between them could have been categorized as "puppy dog."

"Sorry, Jane. I think he's right."

"Traitor. Still, why were my brother and ex-partner discussing this anyway?"

"Technically, your current partner was discussing it too. And, for the record, Frost thought you two were together as soon as he started working with you."

"Good grief. How do any of you get any work done when you're gossiping like girls?"

"Enough!" Angela broke in. "This is something to celebrate, so stop arguing. Maura, welcome to the family. Officially, since I feel like you've been a part of us for awhile."

Maura accepted the hug Angela offered. It was a genuine embrace, not like the air kisses she got from her own mother on the rare occasions they saw each other anymore. Mrs. Rizzoli may have been on the opposite end of the spectrum than Mrs. Isles in terms of involvement in her children's lives, but it was nice to feel really cared about.

She almost reconsidered when the next words out of Angela's mouth were "So, how soon can I expect grandbabies?"


	4. Chapter 4

Maura moaned into Jane's mouth as strong hands slid down her back. Maybe, just maybe this would be the time Jane crossed the invisible barrier she seemed to have set up between Maura's upper and lower halves. Maura wasn't even hoping Jane would break the plane separating her front half from her back – that would be expecting too much. But after the events of the previous weekend and the progress they'd made at work during the week, Maura thought tonight they'd finally take another step forward in their physical relationship.

Alas, it was not to be. Jane's hands stopped at the small of Maura's back and then traveled back up again. Maura pulled away from her position atop Jane and sat up on the couch. Enough was enough. If they weren't going to move forward through actions, they'd have to do it through words. They were going to have the sex talk tonight – no more stalling.

"What is it?" Jane asked, sitting up and moving her legs out from under Maura. "Did I hurt you?"

Maura took a deep breath and turned towards Jane. "No, I'm fine. Physically. But we need to talk."

"Right now? I was kind of enjoying what we were doing." Jane waggled her eyebrows, but Maura was not swayed.

"I was too. But I've been putting off this conversation for too long. I love being with you, and I love what we were just doing, but -" Maura struggled to find the right way to express her needs without sounding like a creepy teenage boy. "I have sexual desires, and I want to talk about them. I'm not saying we have to do anything about them right now, but I need to know where we stand."

Jane looked wary. "You're not going to tell me about some wacky kinks you've got or anything, are you?"

Maura successfully prevented herself from rolling her eyes. "No, this isn't about kinks, although the spectrum of healthy sexuality is broad and there's no reason to judge what people enjoy as long as no one's getting hurt. Unless, of course, they want to. And have a safe word. While I'm not averse to being adventurous in the bedroom – and out of it – I just want to talk about sex in general right now. Well, not too general. About you and me having sex. But not about the particulars." Maura shook her head. This was not the smooth introduction she had hoped for.

Jane's eyebrows furrowed and she cocked her head. "What exactly do you want to discuss?"

Maura started over. "I get the feeling you're not interested in or are afraid of moving past the point we're at, physically. You haven't made a move to take things further, and when my hands barely creep towards a particularly erogenous zone you alter their course. Like I said, I'm not trying to pressure you to do anything you're not comfortable with – I'm just trying to understand what's going on in your head."

The silence stretched on for what felt like minutes, but Maura was determined to get Jane to talk about the issue, so she resisted the temptation to fill it. Jane finally spoke, but she didn't make eye contact, and the six inches between them suddenly felt like six miles.

"I know you've been with a lot of people and that you're fine with releasing endorphins or whatever just for the fun of it, but that's not me. I don't sleep with someone I barely know or like just for the brain chemical benefits."

Jane's words stung. Maura took her time in responding so as not to lash out, but she wanted to. How dare Jane pass judgment? For Jane's sake, Maura hoped there was something else underneath this unpleasantness.

Maura gently lifted Jane's chin so their eyes met, not so they could reconnect but so Jane could see the pain her words had caused.

"I thought you knew – and liked – me better than anyone else. So I fail to see how either of our attitudes towards casual sex is relevant to this conversation. We're talking about sex in the context of a committed, monogamous relationship. Assuming we're in one."

Jane covered her face with her hands. When she removed them there were tears in her eyes. "Absolutely. Yes, we're in a committed monogamous relationship. Unless you can't forgive me for being an ass. I'm so sorry. There's probably some psychological term for what I just did, but I took my issues and twisted them around and put them on you. That wasn't fair. You've been so patient with me and instead of being grateful I hurt you."

Maura rested her hand on Jane's leg and tried to turn her expression into one of sympathy. "What exactly are your 'issues'?"

Jane's eyes roamed the room, looking anywhere but at Maura. They finally stopped on the front door, which Maura did not take for a good sign.

"I don't think I'm very good at sex." Jane finally said.

Maura wanted to respond immediately, to start asking questions that would elucidate Jane's statement, but she waited, allowing Jane to continue.

"Maybe I'm a little intimidated by the fact that you've been with a fair number of people, and I'm scared I won't measure up. And, no, lest I offend you further tonight, I don't think you're so shallow that you would dump me just because I'm bad in the sack, but it wouldn't exactly do wonders for our relationship."

When the silence started to feel uncomfortable, Maura spoke up.

"Neither how many people I've been with nor your experiences in the past has to have any bearing on whether or not you and I can please each other. With good communication we can learn together. But I'd like to know more about why you think you're not good at sex. Not to open up a sore subject, but to understand you better."

Maura began to rearrange herself on the couch. "I know it can be challenging to open up when someone is looking at you, so why don't you lean against me and tell me your story?"

Jane gave her a funny look but did as she was asked. "This is like the weirdest shrink session ever."

Maura wrapped her arms around Jane's waist and spoke softly into her ear. "It would definitely breach ethical boundaries if you were actually my client. But you're not – you're my girlfriend and my best friend and I think it's totally appropriate for me to hold you while you talk about something difficult."

Jane rested in Maura's arms for a few minutes before beginning her narrative. "After I finished junior college I went straight into the academy. I was one of the few women there, and it didn't take long for the word 'dyke' to start being thrown around. I know it may seem stupid now and that practically everyone's bi-curious these days, but this was almost twenty years ago. If I didn't want to sit at a desk and push papers my whole career I'd have to be at least as good as the men without making them think I wanted to steal their girlfriends. So I found the beefiest, manliest trainee in my class and slept with him after a couple of obligatory dates. It was my first time."

Maura's arms tightened around Jane but she didn't interrupt.

"It wasn't traumatic or anything – don't assume the worst. I wanted to have sex with him. At least, I wanted to want to. And he was as nice as a horny 22-year-old can be in the situation. When he bragged to all his friends that he had nailed me I was fine with it. It stopped the rumors, at least for the rest of my time at the academy."

Jane signed and continued, "But looking back, the whole experience left me empty. Despite my worries about being perceived as a lesbian, I never did that again. I might sacrifice my body for my job in other ways, but not like that. I meant what I said earlier, even if I said it poorly. It's not only that I don't have much experience with sex – I also want it to be meaningful. Call me old-fashioned, but the thought of just jumping into bed with a virtual stranger leaves me cold.

"Aw, Jane, you're a closet romantic. I would never have guessed." Maura was oddly delighted. Jane's attitude towards sex might be the polar opposite of her own, but there was something… gentlewomanly about it. "So what – or who, should I say – happened next?"

Jane laced her fingers through Maura's. "A couple of years later I started dating this guy Danny, from my softball team. We were together for almost a year. He was nice and sweet, and I really cared about him. Then he cheated on me with a blonde bimbo with big boobs. I thought the sex was okay, but he told me when he dumped me that it was like being with his sister."

"Maybe his sister was good in bed," Maura opined.

"What? Ew, gross. He didn't even actually have a sister." Jane sputtered.

Maura couldn't help chuckling.

"Wait. Was that a joke? You are evil." Jane's curls brushed against Maura's cheek as she shook her head.

"I just thought a moment of levity would help take your mind off an upsetting anecdote."

The sound Jane emitted could only be described as a harrumph.

"So what next?"

"I met this guy at the Dirty Robber a few years after Danny. I know, getting picked up in a bar is so cliché. Patrick was friends with a colleague in my division so it wasn't that shady. Things were good at first – we had a lot of common interests, and his family was as wacky as mine. But once we finally had sex he started getting all creepy about handcuffs and my gun and junk like that. I later found out I was hardly the first cop he had dated. Nobody bothered to warn me he got off on the whole police officer routine."

"And after that?"

Jane shrugged. "After that, well, I went on a fair number of dates. But nobody ever seemed worth seeing more than a couple of times."

"All men?" Maura never liked to assume.

"Yeah." Jane nodded.

Maura was curious. "Were there any women you would have dated if you felt free to do so?"

"No. Yes. Maybe. There was this attorney I used to interact with regularly when I worked in Vice. She was funny. And pretty. But I was never sure if she was actually flirting with me or just being nice."

"So she didn't spend the night in your bed or come to family gatherings as your plus one?"

Jane shook her head. "Ha. No, I didn't see her outside of work."

Maura considered all that Jane had told her, tonight and in their previous conversations. Internalized homophobia was no small thing to let go of, and Jane's fear of a negative impact on her career certainly explained her discomfort with the idea of people discussing her sexuality. Really, Maura decided, she should be impressed they had gotten as far as they had, rather than lamenting they hadn't gone further.

"So after all these years of not connecting with men and not taking the initiative with women, how did you manage to be the one to admit you had feelings for me?" Maura couldn't help giving Jane a kiss on the tempting patch of skin exposed above her collar.

Jane shivered at the touch. "If I'd have known being with you would feel like this, I'd have told you sooner." She paused, then answered the question. "I suppose enough time had passed since my academy days that I stopped being quite so freaked out about how people saw me."

"Quite being the operative word," Maura interjected.

"Hmpf. I guess I also felt I had earned the respect of my colleagues and that my work stood for itself."

Jane sat up and turned around in Maura's arms to face her. "But most of all, I had never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. I was so drawn to you – it's like I couldn't stop myself from coming to talk to you in the morgue or asking you to hang out with me after work. At first I tried not to, especially because I thought there was no way you'd be interested in spending time with me, but then you kept saying yes."

Maura took Jane's face in her hands and gave her a soft kiss. "No matter what anyone says, you're not crotchety – you're sweet." Jane smiled and rolled her eyes. "I'm so glad you broke through my barriers. It wasn't my usual modus operandi to socialize, but I felt drawn to you too. For the first time, I really understood the idea of 'attraction'. It's magnetic. There was a pull I couldn't escape and didn't want to."

Maura felt a mutual understanding as they looked into each others' eyes. Like magnets, they moved towards each other – their lips meeting, their arms and legs tightening around each other. Maura was tempted to let go and get lost in the sensations, but she had one more question.

Leaning back so she could make eye contact again, she asked, "So if you haven't had sex in a few years, have you at least masturbated?"

Jane spluttered and pulled away further. "What? Why? Do we have to talk about that?"

Maura put her arm around Jane's back and rested her head on her shoulder. "I think we do. We still haven't gotten to the bottom of why you've been reluctant to escalate our physical relationship."

"Fine. Yes." Jane felt tense.

"Yes what?" Maura had to ask.

Jane threw up her hands. "Yes, I've…you know."

Maura felt it prudent not to push the issue of Jane's discomfort with using accurate terminology. Better to focus on the overall topic than to insist on preciseness. "So when you're alone and there's no one to judge you, what do you think about? Who do you think about?"

A sigh escaped Jane's lips. "No one, really. Maybe just a vague form."

"A female one?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Did you ever think about me?" Maura thought the idea was particularly arousing, but Jane didn't seem to agree.

"No! I wouldn't do that – it would be disrespectful." Jane looked horrified.

"Fantasizing about the person you have feelings for is disrespectful?" Jane's gentlewomanliness went to a whole new level.

"It didn't seem right to think about you that way if you didn't feel the same."

"So you had strong feelings for me but repressed the sexual element of them." Maura may not have had a background in psychology, but this was starting to make sense.

"That's not exactly how I'd have said it, but sure. It was like these wonderful feelings of attraction were immediately followed by pain. I wanted you, but I thought we could never be together, and that hurt. So I tried not to think about you in that way."

"And once we got together, you didn't feel free to let your imagination – and libido – run wild?" Maura wiggled her eyebrows and gave Jane her best leer.

Jane rolled her eyes. "I didn't. I was so stunned we were even together and so afraid of messing things up." She pondered a moment. "And I guess I got used to the good feelings being tied up with the bad. Stupid, eh?"

"Not stupid. Unusual, perhaps, but this is going to be easier to remedy than I thought. You've conditioned yourself not to experience sexual attraction to me." Maura was quite proud of her diagnosis.

"What am I, Pavlov's dog?"

Maura raised her eyebrows.

"Hey, I may have only gone to junior college, but I learned a few things." Jane looked mildly offended.

"I didn't say anything. And you're close – Pavlov studied classical conditioning. This is operant conditioning – positive punishment."

Jane's forehead wrinkled. "It doesn't feel very positive."

"Positive is meant in the sense of adding an aversive stimulus –"

Jane cut her off. "Yeah, yeah, spare me the mumbo jumbo, doc. How do we fix it?"

"You do want to fix it?" Maura confirmed.

Jane took a deep breath. "I may have an unusual sexual history and a complete lack of confidence in my ability to do things right when we get there, but I absolutely want to. Maura, I know how lucky I am to be with you, and I – I want – to make you feel good. Great. Wonderful."

Appreciating the openness Jane had shown all evening, Maura had to do the same. "I want the same thing. For both of us. You know I've had sex that didn't involve a meaningful emotional connection, but with you it wouldn't be about that. It would have immense meaning. Whatever happens couldn't not feel wonderful because it will be between us in the context of our full, complete relationship." Despite the use of a double negative, Maura thought there was no better way to explain her feelings.

Jane's shoulders relaxed and she intertwined her fingers with Maura's. "So, how do we get there?"

* * *

 

Spreadsheet Maura reared her ugly head over the next few days. For all her pretty words about emotional connections, in the privacy of her own room she realized she was going to have to forge a trail she'd never actually been down herself. Like Jane, the intensity of her feelings was unlike she'd had for anyone else. Sure, she knew how to enjoy sex, how to instruct another person in the ways to give her pleasure, but that's not how she wanted to be with Jane. She imagined the pleasure would come as much from the fact that she was with Jane than exactly what Jane was doing.

Her first instinct was to approach this logically, to clinically recondition Jane, but as she saw herself coaching Jane to routinely replace her negative thoughts with positive ones, she knew there was nothing sexy about that. She would try to do what Jane would do – go with her instincts, be open, have fun. She took a deep breath and dialed Jane's number.

"Rizzoli." Jane's sexy voice was certainly going to provide inspiration.

"What are you wearing?" It was cliché, but it was as good a place to start as any.

"Maura? Why do you ask? I'm in jeans and a t-shirt. Do you need something?"

Maura sighed. This might be harder than she anticipated. "I'm wearing a silk negligee." Maura wasn't so impulsive that she neglected to ensure she didn't have to lie. She ran her hand across the shiny material covering her stomach. "It's blue, your favorite color. I'm lying in bed thinking about you."

"I see. I mean, I comprehend. I'm not outside your window peeping in. I'm sitting on my couch watching the game."

"Pity. If you were here, you'd see how low cut it is."

Silence replaced the cheering crowd Maura could hear through the phone. Jane must have at least muted the action. "Really? Hey, wait – are we about to have phone sex?"

Maura considered. "I don't know. I didn't really have a plan when I called. I just wanted to start your reconditioning, and I thought maybe giving you assistance in thinking about me in a sexual way would get the ball rolling, so to speak."

"Wow. Um, okay. What next?"

"Well, I could tell you what I sometimes do when I'm alone and wishing we were together. Perhaps if you hear how much I want you, it'll override whatever's been holding you back from letting yourself want me."'

"You do, uh, something when you're alone?"

"Yes, Jane." Maura's hand slid down her thigh.

"And you think about me?"

"Oh, yes." It slid back up again.

"What, exactly, do you do?"

"Well, sometimes, I touch my breasts. The feel of the silk on my nipples is delightful." In ever-narrowing circles, Maura's fingers made their way to hardening points. Her breath caught.

"Oh god, are you actually touching yourself now?"

"Mm hm. I like to imagine it's your palm cupping me, your fingers giving me light pinches."

Maura could hear Jane's breathing through the phone. If the detective still had the game on in the background and the Red Sox just scored a run she was going to be mad. Somehow, though, she was pretty sure it was her words causing Jane's increased respiration.

"Now your hand is sliding underneath my slip, and you find I'm not wearing underwear. I imagine it's you discovering how wet I am." And she was – very wet. "I want you to imagine me touching you. Do you feel like you could be my surrogate since I'm not there? Could you touch yourself like you would want me to touch you?"

Jane's moan was inarticulate, but Maura took it as a sign of progress.

"What are you doing? Tell me, so I can do it myself someday soon." Maura hoped she hadn't switched gears too soon, asking Jane to be the one to share her fantasies, but she was counting on Jane's libido to override her inhibitions.

"I'm – I'm touching my – chest." Jane managed.

"And does it feel good?"

"It does."

Maura's eyes closed as she imagined the scene. "How do your nipples like to be touched? Would you want my mouth on them?"

"Geez, Maura, you're going to kill me!" Jane's voice was unusually high-pitched.

"They do call orgasm le petite mort – the little death." Maura couldn't help sharing that factoid.

"That's sort of creepy coming from a medical examiner."

Maura would not be derailed. "That's not an answer to my question, Jane. And don't pretend you don't remember what it was."

"Yes. Yes, I would want that."

"I want that, too. So much. What about lower? Would you want my mouth there?"

Now Jane's tone was deeper, that whiskey-tinged timber that always aroused Maura. "Oh yeah, baby. I would so want that."

With her fingers still slipping through her wetness, Maura found herself less and less able to concentrate on the conversation. What started out as an exercise on behalf of Jane was rapidly turning into something quite enjoyable for herself. She slowed her movements, then retracted her hand. She didn't want to push Jane too far too fast.

After a calming breath, she said, "Whenever you're ready, Jane. We can make that a reality."

Jane blew out a breath. "You're incredible, Maura. Soon, I promise it will be soon."

"Good night. Sleep well."

"You too."

* * *

 

"Cause of death was an overdose of methamphetamines." Maura handed over the results of the toxicology screen to Korsak, who thanked her and began perusing them.

"Now we just have to figure out how to prove it wasn't an accident – that his wife helped him along so she could be with her new boyfriend." Frost shook his head. Apparently the whole team's intestines were telling them it was murder, but Maura had yet to find any physical evidence on the body that confirmed it. Determined to keep trying, she turned to head back to the morgue.

Only a few steps into her journey, she was intercepted by Jane, returning from executing a search warrant on the deceased's storage unit.

"Anything?" Korsak asked, looking up from the tox report.

Jane's eyes were on the cleavage displayed by Maura's shirt. "Uh, yeah. I'll catch you guys up in a minute. Right now I need to talk to Maura about something."

Maura didn't miss the amused look exchanged between Jane's current and former partners. The detective's announcement of their relationship the week before was met with a "yeah, and?" from the two men. Apparently Frankie was almost as big of a gossip as his mother. They had taken to gently teasing Maura about her poor choice in significant others and expressing their disbelief that Jane could be so lucky.

Maura was flattered and enjoyed feeling included in their circle in a way she hadn't before. Jane pretended to be annoyed at the ribbings she got, but Maura could tell a part of her loved it. It was a relief to be able to hold hands when they all went out for drinks at the Dirty Robber and to no longer have to make excuses about why they were going home together.

"Right Jane. You two go talk." Korsak shook his head.

For all Jane's skills of perception, she seemed to be a little short-circuited at the moment. She didn't even respond to the innuendo, simply turning on her heels and clearly expecting Maura to follow her.

Maura knew what was coming. What she didn't know was why she had continued to allow it just about every other day for the past two weeks. It was exceedingly inappropriate, and others had obviously caught on. But her body betrayed her brain and her feet carried her out into the hallway.

Jane pulled her into the empty interrogation room and locked the door. Pushing Maura up against the wall, her mouth descended on the doctor's neck, then moved to nibble on her ear. Her hands were everywhere – in Maura's hair, trailing down her arm, sliding up her stomach, cupping her breast. When a thumb flicked over an already hardened point, Maura's head slammed back into the wall. She had always assumed the sensitivity of that part of her anatomy was within the normal parameters, but since she and Jane had finally gotten to, as Jane called it – 'second base,' it was like there was an electrical connection between her nipples and her clitoris. Probably because the latter still wasn't getting any direct stimulation.

As Jane's tongue plundered her mouth, Maura decided the dopamine her brain was releasing during these encounters was turning her into the equivalent of a drug addict. She craved it, even as she knew she shouldn't be doing it. What would her mother think if she saw them?

Thoughts of being caught by her mother temporarily broke the spell and gave Maura the mental motivation to pull away, lowering the leg she had wrapped around Jane's waist and removing Jane's hand from her gluteus maximus. Panting, she put a hand on Jane's chest to keep her from starting up again.

"Jane. I can't believe after wanting to move things forward for so long that I'm pushing you away, but we have to stop this. I've never been so unprofessional."

"I know." Jane rubbed her forehead and took a step back. "I know," she repeated. "It's just –"

"My animal magnetism?" Maura smiled. She didn't want Jane to feel rejected – they just had to get a handle on these insane at-work groping sessions.

Maura turned on the light and sat down in one of the chairs at the table in the middle of the room, gesturing for Jane to do the same.

"Whatever this is, it's ridiculously hot. Don't get me wrong. But I can't be successful in my job when I'm so distracted by our…unfinished business." She looked at Jane. "Aren't you affected by this?"

"Of course. It's a good thing I'm not a guy or I'd –"

"I get it, Jane. Not the visual I'm looking for right now." Maura gestured for Jane to continue.

Jane flashed a penitent smile. "And it's not that I get off on messing around at work. I promise I have absolutely no secret desire to get caught by the lieutenant or something."

"Another visual I didn't need," Maura interjected.

Jane leaned back in her chair. "I actually feel oddly safe. It's like I know we can only go so far when we're here, so I can let go of the part of me that's insecure and enjoy what we're doing."

Bizarre as the situation was, Maura couldn't help smiling. "You may think we can only go so far when we're at work, but if we keep this up our first time may be me accidentally climaxing in the ladies' room or whatever strange place you drag me off to next."

Jane looked chagrined but a little proud. "I'm sorry, Maur. I've been so focused on myself and what I am and am not comfortable with that I haven't considered what this is doing to you. You've been so wonderful and patient, and –"

"It's okay, Jane." Jane didn't speak, but her expression was doubtful. "Really. There's something wonderful about fully experiencing every step along the way. And if we rushed things and you weren't really ready I imagine it would set things back further. It doesn't matter that I'm confident sex with you will be wonderful. You have to believe it."

An idea came to Maura. The timing was terrible, but she had already stepped more than a toe across the line of professionalism, so she decided she may as well throw herself all the way over.

She raised one eyebrow. "I think I know a way to help convince you." She stood and walked around the table to stand next to Jane, who turned in her seat to face Maura. The eye contact was electrifying. Grasping Jane's hand, she put it on her heart.

"Do you feel that? How elevated my heart rate is? That's what you do just by looking at me."

Jane swallowed hard.

Shifting Jane's hand, she held it over her breast. "Do you feel that? How hard my nipple is? That's what you do by kissing me."

Taking a deep breath, she guided Jane's hand to the top of her skirt. Maura had a moment of indecision. She let go of Jane and slid her own hand underneath the garment. Her eyes fluttered shut. She pulled her hand back out, her fingers glistening.

"Do you see that? How wet I am? That's what you do by touching me."

The detective's eyes were riveted on Maura. As much as she wanted to offer her fingers to Jane, she instead slipped them into her own mouth.

A whimper escaped Jane. She stood suddenly, pulling Maura to her and replacing the doctor's fingers with her lips. The whimper turned into a moan as the kiss deepened.

"I'm ready," Jane whispered. "I'm so ready."

Maura laughed softly and pulled back. "Turned on as I am, this is neither the place nor time to take the next step."

Jane smiled and buried her face in Maura's neck. "Says you. You didn't let me vote."

They looked into each others' eyes, and Maura savored the moment. Perhaps instead of trying so hard not to push Jane, she should have shown her how much she wanted her, should have tried to boost her confidence. It didn't matter now. Now, Maura felt the last barrier had come down. She shivered as she realized what that meant. Finally, she could communicate with her body what she hoped she had been communicating with her words – how much she cared about Jane, how committed she was to their relationship.

"We'd better get out of here before my libido overrides my sense of decorum and I tear all your clothes off right here," Maura said as she pulled Jane towards the door.

* * *

 

"Pass the bread, Ma," Jane requested across the table.

"Say please, Janie. Geez, you'd think I raised you in a barn," Angela replied.

"Pleeeease pass the bread," Jane tried again.

Maura turned from her conversation with Frank and Frankie about the best route to Northampton and squeezed Jane's leg.

"Did you know the word 'please' is derived from the Latin word 'placere,' from which the words 'placate' and 'appease' were also derived?" she shared.

"Fitting, isn't it?" Jane muttered.

"So you gals are heading out of town for the weekend, eh?" Angela asked. "Doing anything special?"

Maura hoped the blush she felt wasn't noticeable. Sometimes her fair skin was a curse. They were most definitely doing something special that weekend.

Jane's reaction was no better. She choked on the water she had just drunk, sputtering and coughing.

"Are you okay, Jane?" her father asked in concern.

"Yeah, Pop, I'm fine," Jane managed. Clearly her mind was in the same place as Maura's.

Naked, in bed, at a quaint little B&B…

Maura did her best to get the conversation back on track. "Leaf peeping," she announced.

Jane started choking again; Angela's eyebrows wrinkled; Frank's expression was baffled, and Frankie looked like he wanted to be anywhere other than the Rizzoli family dinner table. Apparently not the right statement.

Maura looked around the table as she tried to clarify. "The leaves are starting to change color – it should be a lovely weekend to observe them."

Everyone nodded collectively. "I think I heard of that. Remember that thing on the news, Frank?" Angela addressed her husband.

"Yeah, yeah. That thing on the news." Frank still looked a little confused.

Frankie opened his mouth to speak, but a look from Jane silenced him. He settled for a smirk and went back to his mashed potatoes.

"Hiking," Jane finally spoke up, "We're going hiking."

* * *

 

"My mom asks you what we're doing on the weekend we have plans to finally do it, and the best you could come up with is 'leaf peeping'?" Jane opened the car door for Maura as they left the Rizzolis' to begin their two-hour drive west.

"Well you were busy choking on your beverage, so I had to improvise. And you know how bad I am at that," Maura responded as Jane buckled her seat belt and started the car.

"At least we're not going to Provincetown, like you suggested. That would have made it even more obvious." Jane shook her head.

"I thought you might be more comfortable spending time where there are more…people like us." Maura thought her word choice was an excellent way to avoid Jane's issues with labels.

"Hey, I stopped freaking out about strangers knowing we're a couple weeks ago. Besides, I think I'd just feel more pressure that I wouldn't measure up, with all those experienced people like us walking around."

Maura wasn't surprised Jane hadn't fully conquered her insecurities. "And if things went poorly I'd run out of the room and grab the nearest woman in flannel to fulfill my sexual desires?"

Jane laughed. "It doesn't hurt that our B&B in Northampton is a little bit out of the way."

"In all seriousness, Jane, how are you feeling about this weekend?" Maura reached over and took Jane's free hand in hers.

"Mostly excited," she gave Maura's hand a squeeze, "but still a little bit nervous. I'm trying to do what you said – stop dwelling on the past and focus on us. All that old stuff still creeps in sometimes."

"I'm quite certain after this weekend your insecurities will be gone, and you know I don't speculate. That's not to add more pressure – only to convince you whatever happens is going to be wonderful."

"I know, I really do. And, hey, maybe if we're lucky we'll find out that after all these years of repression I'm a tiger in the sack."

They exchanged a smile before Jane turned her attention back to the highway.

Maura took advantage of the comfortable silence that ensued to assess her own feelings about their plans for the weekend. While it was easy to get lost in fantasies of finally consummating their relationship, when she thought about it more closely she realized her primary concern was for Jane. It didn't hurt that paramount to banishing Jane's demons was Maura achieving orgasm, but Maura was also determined to bring Jane as much pleasure as possible. Showing how much she cared was her overarching goal, not physical gratification.

Her feelings for Jane, long-buried out of self-preservation, had taken their time in fully surfacing. She realized that now. All that space she gave Jane, ostensibly out of concern for the detective's fears of moving too fast, had been a way to give herself time to adjust. The relationships she attempted that went beyond just physical had never been very successful. She always participated in them with a clinical detachment, assessing them logically and making decisions based on reason.

With Jane, everything was different - she was unlike anyone Maura had ever met. Maura was not given to sentimentalism, but she couldn't shake the thought that she and Jane were like two halves of a whole. They were just better together. She could no longer imagine her life without Jane by her side, experiencing it as a couple.

"Jane?" she broke the silence.

"Yeah, Maur?" Jane briefly glanced at her.

"I love you," she said simply.

Jane took her eyes off the road to lock eyes with Maura, her smile wide.

"I love you too."

Epilogue

Maura awoke shortly after dawn, the first rays of sunlight streaming in through the eastern window of the quaintly decorated room they had rented. Propping her head on her hand, she looked down at Jane, still sleeping soundly. I guess I wore her out. The voice in Maura's head was a tad smug.

The previous night had been incredible. Not because the orgasms had been earth-shattering, although some of them had been, but because she had felt so connected to Jane. Tempting as it would have been to coast on the sheer amount of hormones flowing through the two of them, they took the time to communicate. She didn't want Jane to have to guess if what she was doing felt good to Maura, so she was more vocal than usual. That, in turn, seemed to both turn Jane on and give her confidence to do the same. It was a good thing no one had rented the room next to theirs.

Maura couldn't resist the temptation of Jane's bare shoulder, so she gave in and kissed it lightly. Jane's eyes fluttered open and locked with Maura's.

"Good morning, gorgeous." Maura leaned down and pressed her lips gently against Jane's. Jane returned the kiss, pulling Maura on top of her, their still-naked bodies intertwining.

"Great morning," Jane finally replied when they paused to take a breath.

"And last night – great doesn't even begin to describe it." Although Maura was virtually certain Jane was well aware of Maura's enjoyment of their activities the night before, she wasn't going to make the mistake of holding back again. Besides, any stroking of Jane's ego was well-deserved. Tiger in the sack, indeed.

Jane's expression transitioned from one of bashfulness to wide-eyed innocence. "Yeah, why didn't we do that sooner?"


End file.
